missteacher

M. was my biggest failure this year I guess.
Not in terms of teaching... just merely in terms of communicating, which is the basic task of a teacher. Talking to your pupils, finding the right way to do it. It’s hard; I guess it takes some time. Should I privilege dialogue, above all? But what does it mean? Should I be more strict? Can I really talk to them? Can they share? Are they ready to open up? Is it my job to listen to them? How far should I go?
I often restrained myself. I forced myself not to say too much, just trying to get to know them enough to have a good working atmosphere. Tried to see if there were any problems; failed to see them.

But I saw M. had a problem. Not a big one. He was just fed up with school I guess. He was in the middle of a crisis, wondering where to go and why.
He had this very nonchalant attitude, not caring about anything, talking like a baby, smoking weed (and stopping when realizing that we started to become aware). It was just all nonsense to me. I saw distress. And I also saw stupidity. Not in the wrong sense. Just teenage-like stupidity you know.

I talked to him many times, gently first, then tried a more severe way. Didn’t work. He never said anything. Never expressed himself other than negatively.
I tried to help him out first, being behind him during the exercises to encourage him. Then he gave up. The tests started to be really bad. I tried to hold on it, to keep encouraging him but I think I also partly gave up when I saw there was strictly no response.

As a young teacher, you believe you can make a difference. You have all those big ideas you know. I guess it's legitimate. Well, I still have them fortunately. M. made me wonder for sure but he didn't shake my beliefs.

He left as he came. In between the two, I’m wondering what happened in his mind. I wonder if my class left any mark on him; I wonder how he’ll remember me.
I hope he will become someone good. I hope he will grow up and find his place in the world. I won’t be there to see it.

That reminds me of something that one of our teachers at the IUFM said: “you plant seeds all the time when you’re a teacher. But you’ll never see the plants grow. That’s the frustration of our job.”